CNN 2013 Biggest Stories
CNN's biggest stories from 2013 (in chronological order): Caleb Smith Scrubs Old People at Providence Point After intense training, local resident Caleb Smith became a scrub at Providence Point. "The politically correct term is 'wait staff'" insisted Norm Kalina, the secretary of the Department of Scrubbing told us in an exclusive interview. "They initially go through training with a more experienced wait staff who shows them the ropes." "We make them do the dirty work for us" said tenured employee Ryan Henry. "Hopefully I don't have to go into too much detail. Sometimes we literally show them the ropes. Them old folk sometimes really don't want a good scrubbing and need to be held down." Eventually, wait staff can work their way up to becoming a specialty scrub. Henry, for example, has become quite good at getting in between fingers and toes. "They call me a cook" another employee said, "which means all I have to do is heat up the water." Smith has a tougher job. "Whenever one of them wants a deluxe scrubbin, they call me in" he told us this afternoon. "Again, I'm suppose to say that I wash dishes and set table, but all that is is just code for something more randy." Lumberjack Mafia Defeat Scott Township Flock in Exhibition Matchup In a tune-up to the Lafanut, Chestnut defeated Scott 10-6 in a fairly uneventful game. Ty B recorded a hat trick, Nate Collins recorded two, and Dan Smith chipped in the tenth goal of the game. The more eventful part was Erin Andrew's post-game interview with Ty B. "I'M THE BEST PLAYER IN THE GAME! WHEN YOU TRY ME WITH A SORRY GOALIE LIKE WINGER, THAT IS THE RESULT YOU ARE GOING TO GET. DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT JESS!" B ranted to a delighted audience of three fans at Scott Park. "WINGER, DON'T YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH ABOUT JESS OR I'LL SMACK IT!" CSLM Win 3rd Straight Lafanut Cup In the most exciting version of the game to date, Chestnut Street defeated Lafayette Street 6-5 on an overtime goal by Dan Smith. The game was hotly contested throughout, although it appeared that Chestnut Street was beginning to run away with it after a Nate Collins goal made the score 4-2. That's when things got interesting. Lafayette came storming back and tied the game 5-5 with not much time remaining. For the first time ever, the world's premiere sporting event was going into overtime. Then, disaster nearly struck. "I had the puck" Chestnut forward Jake Walko recalls "and I was about to shoot. For some reason, I felt the omnipresence of Ty B beating down on me. I think he wanted the winning goal, and if he couldn't have it, no one could have it." What appeared to have been a game winning slapshot hit the tape in the corner of the goal. Chestnut players celebrated, but official video replay by Erin Collins proved that the ball did not cross the plain. Luckily, a few minutes later, Dan Smith redirected a Ben Cristofano slapshot into the net. "Apparently, the more time that elapsed, the less time that Ty B cared about scoring that game winning goal" Smith said after the game. "I guess he was content with just showing off his revolutionary dance moves!" After the game, long time Chestnut Street goalie Caleb Smith tearfully announced his retirement. "I'd like to thank President Barack Obama and the rest of the Chestnut nation for all of your support over the years. I absolutely love you guys!" Caleb said after being handed the Lafanut Cup champions bragging rights. "I wish we had an actual physical trophy to pass around this year, but I guess we'll settle for this." At a press conference later that week, Ty B also answered questions about a potential pending retirement. "I'm not going to retire til I'm thirty" was his adement response to a CNN correspondent. Block Party Football Controversy For the first time in recorded history, the block party football game ended in a tie. Although Nate Collins still refuses to admit this, everyone knows that its true. The game was low scoring, only 2-2, with the highlight being a long bomb from Caleb Smith to Brayden Reynolds early on. With karaoke and other important activities just around the corner, the two captains decided that, with the score tied at 2 apiece, each team would get one more chance to score. Team Smith failed to get into the endzone, and so it was Team Collins chance to take the lead once and for all. Unfortunately, disaster struck. "It was third down, I dropped back to pass, threw a jump ball, and Ty B went up and got it. Touchdown!" Collins insisted after the game. "Except he was clearly out of bounds" Smith was quick to add. The play was extra contoversial as nothing was initially signaled, but fans stormed on to the field without warning. Because of this, when the officials finally ruled the pass incomplete, it didn't matter. Not only was the field covered with fans, these fans apparently were doing some kind of scavanger hunt and had sucked some of the players into it. "It was a touchdown no matter what the refs said" Collins still likes to say whenever he wants to stir up controversy, which is always. The Chestnut referees union did in fact appologize for poor officiating after the game, although never bringing up this touchdown in their apology. "We have been favoriting Collins for years", they said in a statement just released yesterday, "and we want to appologize to Caleb, now that he's retiring, for all the ways we've screwed him over all these years. We wish you the best as you pursue your career in scrubbing old people at Providence Point."